I'll feed on your breath
by Jens the Homo
Summary: Kise wants to become perfect and loved by everyone - especially Aomine.
1. Prologue

**Warnings:** Eating disorder and one-sided AoKise (for now).

* * *

When he first realises he might have 'wrong' kind of feelings towards Aomine, he feels appalled.

They're both guys, and teammates to boot. He might be pretty and a part-time model, but he's still a guy.

That's why wanting something more than friendship is wrong. He has to change the way he feels.

Then his manager tells him that he's gained weight and he should go on a diet.

At first, he hesitates. He thinks he's thin enough as he is, but his manager keeps insisting and says that modeling is a tough business. If he wants to get booked in the future, he has to lose weight.

Killing his feelings for Aomine isn't enough; he has to change his body, too.

It's tough, but once he gets the hang of balancing his diet, it actually proves to be rather… addicting.

Maybe he should stop once his manager tells him he's done a good job losing weight.

But it's not enough. He can still be thinner.

_Aominecchi will like me if I'm smaller and prettier, like girls._

He'll become perfect for Aomine. He'll become thin and beautiful and unattainable.

He'll become perfect for everyone.

Who could dislike him when he's perfect? Surely not even Aomine, no matter how straight he might claim to be.

He knows he can make it. He has to lose just a little more weight.

And then a little more.

Until he's perfect.

An ice prince whom everyone loves and wants but no one can get; that's what he'll become.

Then Aomine will feel so privileged of being his that he'll never want to leave.

Perfection, that's what he must strive for.

Perfection.

Just a few more kilograms to go.

* * *

**A/N:** This is actually more of a prologue. I'll decide whether I continue this or not based on people's reactions. So review, favourite or w/e, just let me know if you want more \(^o^)/


	2. Changing

**Warnings:** Eating disorder, one-sided AoKise, self-harming. Multi POV.

* * *

Aomine is the last to notice something's off with Kise. Akashi and Kuroko have exchanged knowing glances for a few months already when Midorima and Momoi catch on to the decline in the model's weight. Even Murasakibara realises Kise looks thinner than before and tries to fix things by offering to share some of his snacks with the blonde who thanks him for the sweet thought but refuses nonetheless.

Aomine doesn't see it. Sure, Kise doesn't demand one-on-ones as often as before (actually he doesn't do it at all anymore) and he seems somewhat tired all the time, but since nobody says anything about it, Aomine assumes it's just his imagination. Or that maybe Kise's just really busy with his work.

Be as it may, it's not really Aomine's problem. If Kise decides to talk about it (if there even is an 'it' to talk about), then fine. If not, that's fine too.

Because really, Aomine doesn't care either way.

"Go home with Ryouta today and talk to him, Daiki."

Aomine stops in the middle of a push up to shoot a menacing look at Akashi. The red head stares back at him with equal antipathy.

"Don't wanna."

Akashi raises an eye brow. "Do you think I care about what you want? I'm not asking you, I'm ordering you. Go home with Ryouta."

Aomine gets up. "What am I supposed to talk to him about? You're making it sound like you have a specific topic in mind."

"I do." Akashi seems pleased with Aomine's sudden co-operation.

"What is it?"

Akashi looks at him as one might look at someone who has just given the wrong answer to the question 'how much is 1+1'. Aomine feels a shudder running down his spine.

"As the captain, it is my duty to look after my team members, but it wouldn't hurt you, either, to actually look at your fellow players and see when something is wrong, Daiki." Akashi narrows his eyes dangerously. "Besides, I think it is partially your fault that Ryouta is not feeling well. So take responsibility."

Aomine really wants to say something back, but the look in Akashi's eyes tells him that if he does, the consequences might be… not so pleasant. So he complies, promising to go home together with Kise.

That doesn't mean he's happy about it, though. And what the hell does Akashi mean by _it is partially your fault_? What has he ever done to make Kise feel down?

Kise looks much skinnier than Aomine remembers. Sure, he has the same, strong muscles and is as tall as always, but still his body looks somehow smaller than before. His pale skin makes it easy to see bones sticking out at parts that really should have more flesh covering them. Despite claiming he doesn't really care, Aomine feels a sting of worry in his chest as he quietly inspects Kise's body.

But wait, Akashi didn't ask him to ogle Kise while he's changing. Why the hell is he even looking at a _boy's_ half naked body with so much interest? _Get a grip and stop staring,_ Aomine berates himself.

"Oi, Kise." The blonde startles and looks in Aomine's direction with wide eyes.

"A-Aominecchi…! You really scared me."

"My bad." An awkward silence follows Aomine's half-hearted apology. He clears his throat and decides to get on with the task Akashi entrusted him.

"Hey, uh… are you doing anything after school?"

"Today? No, why?"

"I was just thinking that we could walk home together." Actually it's Akashi who thought of Aomine walking home with Kise but that isn't necessary for Kise to know.

The blonde lights up and beams at Aomine. "Sure! But you have to be fast getting changed, I'm not going to wait long for you!"

"Since when do you have to wait for me? Aren't you the one who always takes an eternity getting changed?"

"It's because I'm a model! I can't go outside with messy hair or wrinkled shirt, I might run into a fan! And my fans would be disappointed to see me all ugly. Or I could run into paparazzi! That'd be terrible!" Kise pouts for good measure and makes a horrified face.

Kise sounds and acts the same as ever and yet Aomine can't help but think that it all feels somehow… forced and unnatural. The smile on the model's face is the one usually reserved for his job, not the one he uses with his friends.

Why does he even pay so much attention to Kise's expressions? Is it just because the other boys' bones are so visible that he's looking for some kind of confirmation that it's not serious, that Kise's still the same despite having lost a significant amount of weight? Because if Aomine notices the difference, then it must be a lot.

Maybe Akashi wants him to talk about Kise's loss of weight? If that's the case, Aomine has no idea how to proceed. He can't just ask Kise about something like that. What if the model has just been so stressed lately that he's lost weight because of it, without realising it himself or actively trying to get thinner? It'd be really awkward to talk about it if it wasn't intentional. No, Aomine needs to find a natural and nonchalant way to approach the subject.

"Are you okay?" Well that sounds natural… not.

Kise frowns. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've just been…less energetic lately. And Akashi said that's it's my fault or something like that." Aomine scratches the back of his neck in embarrassment. Damn, why does Akashi have to have such absolute power among the team members that it's impossible for them to go against his orders (unless they have a death wish, that is)? Right now, Aomine'd rather be anywhere but here, having this awkward conversation with Kise.

There's no reply. Nervous, Aomine steals a glance at Kise who looks slightly confused. "…Kise?"

"I'm fine."

No way is he fine; Kise never answers so shortly. Aomine steps closer. "Look, I don't know what's up, but if there's anything I can do, just let me know, ok? You look a lot skinnier and since you're so tired all the time too I just thought that maybe it's because of your modeling, like maybe they want you to be on a diet or something. And if that's how it is, then it's fine. But you have to make sure it doesn't affect your life otherwise."

"Oh. So it's fine for me to hurt myself for the sake of my job as long as it doesn't have a negative effect on my playing?"

Okay, something's definitely wrong. Kise _never _talks to Aomine in that kind of tone.

"That's not what I meant! If it's necessary to lose a bit of weight for your job, then there's no helping it but if it makes you tired then shouldn't you quit? It can't be good for your health to-"

"Why do you care? You've never noticed what's been going on with me before so why start now?!"

"What do you mean I don't care? I do care, I just don't go around telling it to people's faces!"

"Well maybe you should! It might just make you more popular!"

"What the hell, Kise? Why are you so mad at me? I haven't done anything to you, despite what Akashi seems to think, so stop shouting at me! Geez, this is so not like you. What the hell are they doing to you at your job to make you so weird?!"

Kise doesn't shout back at him anymore. Instead he freezes and fixes the stare of his eyes on Aomine. _He's gonna cry_, is what Aomine thinks and he's just about to apologise for yelling at Kise when -

"I know I'm ugly and disgusting but I also know that I want you!"

The sound of Kise's locker's door slamming shut with a loud bang echoes through the silent locker room.

Aomine just stares, not believing his ears. Does Kise mean that the way he thinks he does? Why was it that Akashi insisted Aomine to be the one to talk to Kise, since this clearly isn't going too well? And wait, when did he ever say Kise was ugly or disgusting?

Aomine realises he's taken too long to react when Kise pushes his way out of the room, bumping his shoulder into Aomine before disappearing into the hallway.

"What the fuck, Kise?!"

The model doesn't turn around.

* * *

_I know I'm ugly and disgusting, but I still want you._

He regrets saying that but he can't take his words back anymore.

It's wrong, he knows it is, but his heart belongs to Aomine.

He can't let Aomine know that yet, not when he's this ugly.

Perfection, he needs to remember that. Perfect is what he's aiming for. _Perfect_.

He still has a long way to go. That's why Aomine had that fight with him.

Aomine can't stand him because he still has flaws.

Take the skin on his arm for example. It's smooth and pretty but it's not _perfect_. He can't see his bones clearly, there's too much flesh in the way.

That's no good. His bones are beautiful, and if everyone could see them, they would call him beautiful too.

He needs to work out more, there are still parts of him that aren't muscled. Instead they are soft.

Soft and _disgusting._

Like he himself is.

He needs to change.

He made a mistake at breakfast and actually ate half a bowl of rice. He's hated himself the whole day for that; how could his control slip like that? It's no wonder Aomine doesn't love him when he has no control over himself and what he eats.

He hasn't eaten anything after that. He can't, he's already going to gain at least 100 kilos for that mistake at breakfast.

Instead he's locked in his room, desperately thinking of ways to make up for eating. Doing push-ups is good, as are sit-ups.

Even after working out and berating himself for hours he still feels fat and miserable.

He's nothing but a failure.

He should've spat the rice out before swallowing. Or better yet, not even put it in his mouth. Then there would be nothing to feel bad about.

A vague thought of forcing himself to throw up makes him wander to the bathroom.

He forgets his plan as soon as he enters the room, though.

That's because his eyes happen upon the razor blade his father uses to shave.

Razors are sharp, right?

Sharp enough to punish fat, disgusting failures such as himself with.

He glances behind himself to make sure no one's watching, even though he's home alone.

How silly.

The cold metal of the blade feels good on his bare skin.

_I can't achieve perfection if my control slips. No more rice at breakfast. No more._

All it takes is one swift flick of his wrist. The skin tears in half as if it was paper.

Blood flows out.

He stares at his wrist, dumbfounded by the easiness of hurting himself.

It looks nice, the blood pulsating out of his body. And maybe, if imperfect blood makes an imperfect person, he'll change for the better once it's run out of him.

It's worth a shot.

Or another slit on his wrist and a trail of blood running down his hand until it falls to the sink in a chain of thick, red drops.

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

Mesmerising.

Voices downstairs bring him back to his senses. His parents must be back.

After quickly cleaning after himself in the bathroom, he pulls the sleeve of his hoodie over his abused wrist to hide the cuts from his parents' prying eyes.

They don't need to know. He can battle the ugliness in himself alone.

The thick liquid seeping from his wrist is slowly dying his sleeve red, forming flowers of blood as it sinks through the material.

It's pretty.

The pain kicks in a little while later.

* * *

**A/N: **Well. I was thinking of toning the angst down for once but what do you know… self-harming Kise FTW, yeah? I just fail at life sometimes. *sigh*

There's still more to this story so don't worry, I'll try to steer the two towards a happy ending! (Though with how this chapter went, it'll probably take quite a while before that happens…)

BTW, I made a list of my fan fic ideas on tumblr. It'd be great if people could help me decide which ones to work on in the future so if you have time, do check out my tumblr, the link's on my profile. (I tag everything related to fan fics with #contributing to a fandom: shichibaby edition)


	3. Jealousy or maybe it's just concern

**Warnings:** One-sided AoKise, hinted KuroKise. Eating disorder, self-harming, blah blah blah.

* * *

When Kise doesn't show up to practice the next day, Aomine's heart drops. The blonde has never missed club before and Aomine has a nagging feeling that this abnormality is somehow his fault.

He really wishes Kise wouldn't avoid him though; he still has no idea what on earth he did wrong while talking to Kise and to clear the confusion he obviously needs to talk to the model, not have him skip practice and thus make it impossible for them to have a conversation. They're in different classes, after all, and Aomine can't really be bothered enough to go especially look for Kise.

The fact that Akashi's murderous stare is fixated on his back most of the practice doesn't help a bit either.

* * *

It's stupid to skip practice, he knows it, but he can't go there.

Not only because he's afraid of seeing Aomine, but also because the scar on his wrist is clearly visible, and if he were to undress everyone would see the bandage he wears to hide the cut, which in turn would surely lead to a flood of questions he does not want to answer.

His manager calls him to let him know the photo-shoot planned on that afternoon has been moved to next week. That's a relief; there's no way he could model with the scar on his wrist.

A week is also enough to lose some more weight because he can't go in front of a camera being as fat as he is now, right?

Right. So win-win all the way. Now all he has to do is get home before any of his teammates finds him and drags him to practice.

Somehow his feet end up taking him to a shopping centre. Fine, he might as well kill time by looking at clothes.

Except maybe he shouldn't after all. Seeing all the clothes that are so nice and totally his style make him remember he's ugly.

He's imperfect, so no new clothes until he's reached his goal.

But oh, he would buy this and this and maybe that too, if only he were a little thinner…

* * *

"Kise-kun."

Kuroko always seems to appear out of nowhere so it shouldn't surprise him as much as it does, but Kise lets out a small yelp when the bluenette suddenly calls his name.

"How long have you been here, Kurokocchi?"

Kuroko ignores Kise's question completely. "You should come to practice today, Kise-kun. Akashi-kun wasn't happy when you didn't show up yesterday."

Kise unconsciously brings a hand to his left wrist and pulls the sleeve a little lower. He can't look at Kuroko; he knows the boy would see right through him as he so often seems to do.

What should he say? He can't go to practice before his wrist heals and even then Aomine'll be there. But if he doesn't go, who knows what Akashi will do to him?

"…I didn't feel too well yesterday so I decided to skip club activities," Kise finally says with a strained smile. That's the truth anyway.

It's just that nowadays, he rarely feels well.

Kuroko looks at him with an unreadable expression. "Does that mean you'll be coming to practice when you feel better?"

"Yeah, of course." Whenever that may be.

Kuroko smiles then, that rare small smile of his that the old Kise would have fawned over. The new Kise, however, just smiles back and goes back to thinking about what he can eat without breaking the daily calorie limit he's set for himself.

Hanging all over Kuroko is so childish and a complete waste of time, anyway. It won't make him any thinner, and – oh!

Maybe the reason Kuroko always seemed to hate it was because Kise used to be so fat and disgusting? He still is, of course, so there's another thing that needs to stop for the time being. No more hugging Kuroko.

He's so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the flash of hurt in Kuroko's eyes before the bluenette gets up and leaves.

* * *

"I'm so glad Akashi-kun hasn't killed you yet, Aomine-kun. Because now I can kill you myself."

"Eh?"

So Aomine has apparently no idea what's going on with his teammates anymore. They all are giving him murderous looks, even Murasakibara who usually doesn't give a damn about much anything besides his snacks. Except for Kise, of course; the model's been avoiding him like the plague ever since that weird ass conversation in the locker room a few weeks earlier.

And now Kuroko of all people is threatening his life?

Maybe Aomine should start paying more attention to his surroundings after all.

"What do you mean you can kill me, Tetsu?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but Kise-kun has changed a lot." Kuroko's face is void of emotions, as usual, but somehow Aomine senses he's really angry. Angry and… hurt?

"And I don't mean just the fact he's lost a lot of weight, I mean his personality as well." Kuroko looks away and there's definitely pain in his eyes when he continues, "I really wish I could do something to help but it looks like Aomine-kun is the only one who might be able to get through to him."

"Well I did try to talk to him a few weeks ago because Akashi told me to but he just got all weird on me and he hasn't talked to me since then. Why do you all think _I_ can help him? What the hell's even going on with him anyway?"

Kuroko turns his gaze back to Aomine and the look in his eyes is almost as murderous as Akashi's has been for these past two weeks.

"You really don't understand?"

"Understand what?"

Kuroko sighs, utterly disappointed. "I forgot the only thing you care about is basketball."

"Oi Tetsu -"

Kuroko cuts Aomine off by raising his voice a little. "But it really wouldn't hurt to actually think about others and what they might feel sometimes, Aomine-kun."

With that, the phantom player is gone. Somehow Aomine feels even more confused than before.

* * *

**A/N:** It's been over three months since I last worked on this story and tbh I wasn't even sure whether I was going to continue this at all. But then somehow inspiration struck me so here I am. ~ (this is really short though…)

*Ahem.* Anyways, do you think I should keep working on this or start writing a new story? I have about a million AoKagaKise story ideas and they're my ot3 so I'd really like to write something with them, but I also kinda wanna finish this fic and arghhh I'm so indecisive at times __ Welp?


	4. Near fantastica

**Warnings:** slight AU, eating disorder, all that jazz. (I cba with the warnings ._.)

* * *

Maybe it's because it's their last year in Teikou. Maybe it's because Aomine's actually genuinely worried about Kise. Maybe there's no logical explanation for it, but be as it may, Aomine actually starts paying attention to his blonde team mate.

That proves to be rather difficult, what with the model constantly avoiding him and not showing up to practice. In fact, it feels more like Kise's an ex-team mate instead of an actual player in the Teikou basketball club.

And that pisses Aomine off to no end.

What the hell is the idiot blond thinking, just leaving like that?! And why does everyone else seem to know what's going on?

Aomine wants to understand what's happening. He wants to understand why Kise isn't there anymore, asking him to play one-on-one with him even though he never wins. He wants to understand why Kise seems thinner and thinner every time he catches a glimpse of the boy at school.

He really_ needs_ to understand but he can't. Why would Kise leave them? Why can't it just go back to the way it used to be when they were all together, laughing and having fun? Sure, he teased the blonde a lot and stuff but he never wanted to actually stop being friends with him or anything like that.

He also thinks about what Kuroko told him. That stuff about taking other people's feelings into consideration.

_So feelings, huh. What Kise might feel._ That makes him think about the conversation he had with Kise in the locker room.

_(__I know I'm ugly and disgusting but I also know that I want you!)_

_No matter how I look at it, it sure sounds an awful lot like a love confession._ But that couldn't be, they've always been just friends and Aomine's pretty sure Kise's straight. Well, Aomine himself is, that's for sure. Still, what if…

_What if Kise really meant he's in love with me? _Aomine buries his face in his hands. When did the relationship between him and Kise get so complicated? So okay, let's assume Kise's in love with him. Could happen, they're young after all and Kise might just be finding his sexual identity.

_But… that doesn't really explain why he's so skinny, does it? …fuck, I just don't get it…_

For once, Aomine doesn't fall asleep after doing too much thinking.

In fact he doesn't sleep at all on many nights, the nagging worry about Kise keeping him up even when his body screams for rest.

* * *

When Aomine sees Kise by chance in the hall way, the whole world seems to stop for a moment. The blonde's smiling and talking to some girl as per usual, but it's all somehow off.

It's like the blonde is just a shadow of his old self. He's so thin Aomine swears he would break just from touching; his smile is like a mocking copy of the radiance of the smile that always seemed to light up the whole room. It's Kise, Aomine knows it, and yet it feels like someone entirely different.

Seeing Kise, the sunshine of the Generation of miracles, like that really clenches and twists at Aomine's heart. It fucking _hurts_.

No matter what, Aomine has to find out what's going on with the model. Otherwise he won't be able to sleep (and that is quite an achievement, considering he usually sleeps pretty much everywhere).

* * *

"Oi Satsuki!" After thinking about it some more, Aomine reaches the conclusion that he needs advice from someone who possibly has an idea what's going on with Kise. Akashi and Kuroko probably know the best but they're ruled out immediately – Akashi because Aomine's pretty sure that if he admitted to still not having figured out Kise's issue, the captain would kill him for real, and Kuroko because Aomine knows the bluenette wants him to figure it out on his own – so the next best person would be Momoi.

And okay, Midorima too but Aomine really doubts he would spill anything.

So Momoi it is. And that's just fine because he knows she'll understand how serious Aomine is about wanting to understand the situation and help Kise.

"…." The look of disappointment along with the pregnant silence is not the reaction Aomine expects. He doesn't back off, though, just repeats the question.

"You know what's been bugging Kise lately, right? So tell me. I hate being the only one who doesn't know anything." Momoi keeps regarding him with cold eyes and after a few minutes sighs.

"You really are dense, Dai-chan."

"Ha?"

"I'm sure Tetsu-kun and Akashi-kun have already talked to you about Ki-chan," Momoi says patiently, as if talking to a child.

Aomine frowns. "Yeah, but they never said exactly what was going on with him. Just that I should pay more attention to my surroundings. Which I have," he adds to defend himself. Because damn, he really has, but that hasn't helped any.

"I mean I figured out that Kise probably likes me…" (Momoi scoffs) "Okay, he likes me for sure and I get that it's awkward for him to be with me so he avoids me instead but what's with the sudden enthusiasm to lose weight? Come on, Satsuki, just tell me."

Momoi waves a hand, as if trying to bat away the stupidity in Aomine. She opens her mouth, then closes it again, and finally sighs, running fingers through her long hair.

"Ki-chan has a lot of pressure, being a model and all. He has to look good all the time, always be willing to smile for his fans, that kind of things."

"Well I can say that nowadays he doesn't look good at all."

The warning look Momoi gives him shuts Aomine up really quickly.

"Anyway, because of that, he already felt really stressed and everything but then…" Momoi tries to look for words. "This is going to sound really horrible but I think it would've been better if you two hadn't met, Dai-chan."

She has a pleading expression on her face as she turns her eyes up to Aomine, as if asking him to understand without her having to say the actual words. He just stands there, frozen by Momoi's words.

"People don't talk about it too much, because it's considered to be more of a girls' problem, but… guys can have eating disorders too. And it's not like it's your fault, it's just that…" Momoi trails off, looking extremely troubled and almost ready to cry. She opens her mouth but no words come out, just a strangled sob.

There are so many thoughts flying around in Aomine's head that it feels like his head will explode. So Kise has an eating disorder? What can he do about that? No, Momoi said something even more disturbing than that…

"…it's not my fault? But it would've been better if we'd never met? What the hell, Satsuki, just tell me! Does he think I'll start liking him if he loses weight or something?!"

Momoi flinches and presses her eyes closed. Suddenly her cheeks are wet with tears and she's screaming at Aomine.

"It's not like it's fun not to tell you, Dai-chan, but we all thought you'd figure it out sooner or later. I mean, even if you're not all that smart, it's been kind of obvious for a while now. But you just… you just wouldn't get it!" She pauses to draw a breath.

"And no, it's not your fault, but I'm pretty sure that falling for another guy just added to his stress level and then… I don't what he's thinking either but damn it, Dai-chan, he's always been really desperate to be accepted by you!"

Aomine can't even get his mouth open. All he can do is stare at his best friend who just can't stop crying anymore. Momoi hiccups, her face a mess.

"Ki-chan really needs help and support right now, he can't get through this by himself, so please Dai-chan…"

"…how the hell would I know what to do? It's not like I don't anything about eating disorders, or how to make someone eat again…!" Aomine buries his face in his hands. "Fuck, Kise… why would you do something like this…?"

Momoi tries to stop crying but to no avail, her whole body trembling with the force of her sobs. "I talked with his manager a couple of days ago and she said that they'd actually asked him to lose some weight last month…"

Aomine raises his head. "What? So it's their fault after all?"

"…eating disorders aren't anyone's fault, and I know Ki-chan didn't want this either. It won't be enough if you try to help him by yourself but…" Momoi pauses to swallow back some tears. "I mean, Ki-chan won't heal just because you tell him to start eating again but it's all we can do, you know? I'm willing to try anything to help him. Because I hate seeing Ki-chan like that. It's like he's not even himself anymore…"

Yeah, that's something Aomine can wholeheartedly agree to.

"Please, Dai-chan, go talk to him. Tell him you're okay with him liking you. Just make him feel accepted and ask him to come back to practice. There's got to be something we can do… like make him see a doctor or – or – I don't know, just talk to him, Dai-chan!"

* * *

After taking an eternity to get Momoi to calm down, Aomine walks her home. After somehow making it into his own house, he collapses on the bed and stares at the ceiling without really seeing it. He feels empty and weird, as if he wasn't really awake.

Time to do some more thinking.

Okay, so he's been quite certain that Kise does like him for a long time now, and he's surprisingly okay with that. They're friends and both guys but still, Kise liking him doesn't feel disgusting or anything like that.

But then comes the second thing, the real issue. Eating disorder. Of course Aomine's heard the words before, but what does it really mean?

Apparently it's not just about eating, it's about, well, everything. Kise's changed so much that even his closest friends barely recognise him. And yeah, Aomine really wants to help.

Then there's the fact that for some reason, Akashi, Kuroko and Momoi all think he's the one who can make a difference. But how? Just talking wouldn't help; besides, Aomine's never been so great with words to begin with, and he already screwed up once when he tried talking. Then again, back then he didn't even know what was wrong – trying to blindly fix a problem doesn't really work, does it?

Something Momoi mentioned in the conversation suddenly occurs to Aomine. Make him feel accepted, she said. _Accepted, huh… so could this all be because he feels he isn't accepted? How could that be, he's a model with tonnes of fans for fuck's sake!_

Knowing the name of Kise's problem doesn't make the situation any better; Aomine doesn't get much sleep that night either.

* * *

Here's how it starts.

Kise misses his footing in the stairs, and as he inevitably starts falling, a fascinating thought occurs to him. What if he never landed? What if he just floated through the air like the perfect being he was aiming to be?

But no, he isn't perfect. He's a failure with scars on his wrists (because that one time was nowhere near enough to punish him) and fat everywhere in his body so of course gravity would do its trick.

And as fate would have it, at the foot of the stairs is the one person he most definitely does _not _want to see right now.

Aomine.

The boy looks up just in time to see Kise falling towards him. His eyes widen but he spreads his arms, catching the model just as he very ungracefully loses the last of his balance and crashes down.

They both end up on the floor, Kise in Aomine's embrace and somehow unscathed. He scrambles free from Aomine's hold and jumps up, fully intending to just flee the scene and pretend it never happened; there are only a few students around and they seem relieved to see Kise didn't get hurt, already getting back to whatever they were doing before the whole tripping incident.

Kise's already taken a few steps away when his name is called.

"Oi, Kise. Wait."

He stops but doesn't turn around. "Aominecchi…?"

"Yeah, it's me. I still want to talk to you, believe it or not."

The blonde turns around to look at Aomine. He's smiling but there's nothing real about it. It's all forced and mechanical. "Okay, then talk."

In all honesty, Aomine doesn't feel like being nice to Kise. He wants to grab the boy's shoulders and shake him until he understands what he's doing to himself and all the people who care about him. He wants to force Kise to eat until he doesn't look like a bloody walking skeleton anymore.

_But Kise's sick_, he reminds himself. _It's not__ like forcing him to eat__ would be a long-term solution. I have to get him to realise how sick he is and get him help._

"I liked you better when you were playing basketball and always challenging me to one-on-ones. But I do like you now too," he hurriedly adds. "It's just that… I haven't seen you lately and I feel like I don't know what's going on with you anymore."

Kise's still smiling but now there's definitely panic in his eyes. Aomine rushes to continue.

"So, just come back to practice, okay? We all miss you. You're an important teammate and a friend too." He breathes in slowly, preparing for the last thing he wants to say. "I don't hate you or think you're disgusting just because you like guys. So if there's ever anything you want to talk about, you can always come to me. I'll listen and do my best to help, I promise."

Talk is cheap, and Aomine doesn't really believe he can make a difference, but it's definitely worth a shot. _Anything to get the old Kise back._

Kise doesn't respond in any way. He just stands there, that weird smile-like expression still stuck on his face.

"…Kise?"

"I'm okay with not coming to practice. We'll graduate and end up going our separate ways soon anyway, so why not just quit now and make it easier?" The smile finally disappears and is replaced with an expression Aomine's never seen on Kise before.

He looks so cold and uninterested, nothing like the puppy Kise who would cling to his teammates and always play with enthusiasm. No, this isn't Kise.

Why is this happening? Why can't he do anything?

"I miss you, Kise…"

"What? I'm right here."

"No, it's not the you I know." Aomine searches Kise's face for any kind of recognition of what he's talking about but there's nothing of the sort. Just that unfamiliar aloofness.

"What can I do to help? I don't anything about this kind of stuff and despite what everyone thinks, I can't do shit," Aomine groans in frustration. Kise blinks.

"But I'm fine, Aominecchi."

_No you're not! _

"…you really think that?"

Kise avoids Aomine's eyes as he mumbles a yes. But just that insecurity in his own words makes Aomine step forward and grab the model's arm. Kise flinches, trying to pull away.

"Look, I don't know what you see when you look into the mirror, but what I see when I look at you isn't what I'd like to see. I want the old Kise back, okay? I miss him a lot and I'm really worried about you. So really, if there's anything you want to talk about, just come to me."

Kise pulls away from Aomine again without a warning, causing the boy's hand to slide down his arm to his wrist. Aomine instinctively squeezes a bit harder, trying hard not to let Kise get away, not at all prepared for feeling something sticky on his fingers.

Confused, Aomine lets go to inspect his hand and Kise flees immediately.

Aomine doesn't really even register that though because the stickiness in his fingertips is…

"…blood?"

Well fuck.

(And doesn't the whole Aomine talking to Kise and the blonde running away feel like a repetition of that fuck-up of a conversation in the locker room?)

* * *

**A/N: **Okay so I'll be continuing this, as well as working on an AoKagaKise fic (the first chapter is already up in case you're interested). I just hope I won't disappoint anyone in the future. (man I wish I had confidence in my writing…)

sabaku-no-rosa: my sister had anorexia so I also know what it feels like to watch someone struggle with an eating disorder. And so, this story is partly derived from my own experience of dealing with someone with an eating disorder. Hopefully I'm not doing a shit job at that…?

Lastly, a song recommendation: We need to eat by Kent. (I got the title from this song so yeah, I hope you'll check it out). Incidentally the name of this chapter is also a song. I listened to it a lot while writing so I decided to tribute the chapter to it lol.

Feedback is welcome~


	5. The one who loves him

**Warnings:** slight AU, eating disorder, self-harming, angst. One-sided KuroKise.

* * *

Why?

Why did Aomine try to act like he cared again? He never has before and suddenly now he's so concerned about Kise's life.

_(I don't know what you see when you look into the mirror, but what I see when I look at you isn't what I'd like to see.)_

What a joke. As if Aomine could have actually meant anything of what he said. How could he not be disgusted by Kise's mere existence?

And what was all that talk about missing the old Kise? Who would miss that fat failure with no control over his eating? The only thing that's changed is his diet and if Kise himself thinks he's doing better nowadays, Aomine shouldn't have any complaints. Or anyone else, for that matter.

That's right, he's doing great nowadays. He has so much control over his body, and everyone looks at him with such adoration and envy. He's well on his way to being perfect but there's always a little more weight to lose, a little more effort to pay.

And for that reason, he doesn't need anyone telling him they're worried about him. Especially not Aomine.

That basketball idiot's going to fall in love with the perfect him.

* * *

Running into Akashi outside of practice is not something Aomine has hoped for; at least during club activities he can pretend to be so concentrated on playing that he can't talk with the captain. When the redhead spots him in the hallway, however, Aomine knows he'll die if he runs away. So he stays and waits for Akashi to get to him.

"Ryouta still hasn't come back to practice," the captain says; Aomine is relieved to hear no accusation in his tone.

"I tried my best to get some sense into him but I guess it didn't work out. You can't think it's my fault anymore because I really did try to help plus it's not like I wanted him to do this either! It's Kise's problem, right, if he decides to lose weight." Still, offense is the best defence, right?

"I never said I thought it was only your fault, Daiki. This whole thing is a sum of many factors, of which you may be one. I wouldn't know though; I can't read Ryouta's thoughts." Akashi sighs. "I thought it'd be good for you to be the one to talk to Ryouta because he looks up to you."

Aomine looks at Akashi. That tone almost sounded like the redhead was… apologising to him? Nah, couldn't be, Akashi probably doesn't even have the word apology in his vocabulary. "What's he looking up to me got do with anything?"

"The first step to recovery with eating disorders is for the patient to admit to being sick. And that is usually the hardest part of the process." Akashi turns his back to Aomine and starts down the stairs, the other boy following him closely.

"But if someone you really admired told you to do something, wouldn't you at least try to do it, no matter how difficult it was? I thought that maybe Ryouta would listen to you and start paying attention to what he's doing to himself. If you, who care about nothing but basketball, actually cared enough to tell him to start eating again, maybe it'd change things. At least enough for Ryouta to realise he's sick and seek professional help."

Aomine stops; he can't really argue with that.

"And that's also why we didn't want to tell you, Daiki. It would have been better for you to figure it out by yourself; then your concern would have been real."

"It's real now too," Aomine retorts. That gets a smile from Akashi.

"I'm happy to hear that, Daiki. I assume you'll do your best to help him in the future too?"

"Yeah, of course. He's one of my best friends, you know." Aomine stops and hesitates. _Maybe it's got nothing to do with the eating disorder, maybe Kise just had a cut or something._

"Is there something you'd like to tell me?" Akashi asks softly, his heterochromatic eyes inspecting Aomine's conflicted expression closely.

"Well I don't really know if it's important but… Kise was bleeding the last time I saw him." Aomine fidgets uncomfortably. "His wrist… I just thought he might've done it himself."

"…Ryouta's self-harmed?"

"I don't know for sure, he just bled when I squeezed his wrist," Aomine replies, wishing he'd never said anything about the subject; Akashi has a dangerous look on his face.

"If he really has cut himself, his modelling agency must've noticed, don't you think?" the captain says pensively, reaching for his phone. "Thank you, Daiki, you can go now."

Although he feels like he shouldn't just obey the redhead, Aomine leaves. Akashi's remark about the modelling agency having to notice the possible cuts bothers him.

_They can't be blind to Kise's loss of weight either, right? Then again, they were the ones who asked him to get thinner in the first place… but still, Kise doesn't even look healthy anymore, how could they want him to model when he's like that?_

…_._

_Man, life used to be so easy when my biggest concern was my favourite shoes breaking._

* * *

He can't help it. When his last class ends, his feet end up taking him to the gym. At the door he stops and listens to the squeak of shoes and the bounding of the basketball against the hard floor. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does but he suddenly feels like crying.

He misses practice.

He misses playing with everyone, hanging out with his teammates after practice; he even misses the times he'd be made fun of.

For a moment he actually considers stepping in and joining them.

(What's stopping you?)

_I can't go._

(Why not?)

_They don't treat me the same. They don't think I'm the same as before. We're not friends anymore. I just can't go._

(But you're so pretty now.)

_Pretty? That's not enough. I'm not perfect, so I'm not good enough for Aominecchi or any of them._

(So you care about _their_ opinion more than everyone else's?)

….

_I'm not going._

Kise turns away from the door, only to bump into Kuroko.

"K-Kurokocchi!"

"Before you ask, I've been here for only a few seconds and I was just about to call out to you, Kise-kun," Kuroko says evenly as his eyes wander over Kise's body. The blonde flinches under the scrutiny, unconsciously pulling his sleeves lower.

"Are you coming to practice today?"

"Eh? No, I just… happened to walk past the gym, and I thought I'd… see how everyone's playing is going." Kise takes a step away from Kuroko, frantically looking for a way out.

"But you look like you want to go in."

"Kurokocchi, I can't go, really. I don't feel good and, um…"

"…I don't think anyone of us will have the patience to wait until the time you feel better, Kise-kun. Especially since it might never come," Kuroko says in a quiet voice and Kise has to struggle to hear.

"What do you mean? I know I'll be better soon. There's just so much stuff going on, with my modelling and such…"

"…I'm sorry but I don't think anyone can believe that."

"Eh? That's mean, Kurokocchi!" Kise fakes a horrified expression even though he knows his cover's blown. Why does everyone have to keep interfering when he's doing fine?

The bluenette clenches his hand into a fist. "If you keep this up, you will die, Kise-kun. And I don't want that to happen!"

Kuroko grabs Kise's tie and pulls on it hard, bending the model down to match Kuroko's height. For a split second, Kise simply stares at the phantom player, his eyes widened by surprise.

_(If Kurokocchi finds out I've cut, he'll tell someone and make me stop. But I can't let that happen, I still haven't achieved perfection)_

Then, just as Kise's about to pull away and flee the scene like he always does nowadays (why can't they just leave him _alone_?), something presses against his lips, gently yet firmly.

His brain short-circuits. _Did Kurokocchi just kiss me? No, why would he, they don't care, they'd never accept me as their equal, they're so much better than me – _

Kise's legs give way and he drops to the floor ungracefully.

Behind his back, Aomine, Akashi, and Momoi stand in the doorway and stare at Kuroko with varying levels of shock and confusion.

* * *

**A/N: **This chapter is short and crappy and I'm really gomen I exist QAQMan the angst just keeps coming into my writing even though I really try to tone it down… but oh well. As long as someone's willing to read my stories it doesn't matter, right?

Idk where the KuroKise came from, I was just writing and then bam! it was there o_O I guess I shouldn't write at 2 am if I don't want unplanned stuff in my stories :''D I've been wanting to write something where Kuroko has his heart broken though, since there seem to be so many stories with everyone loving him -_-

SeaWeedHead: Yeah, it does seem a bit unfair for everyone to put the blame on Aomine but I think it's easier to have someone to blame for it. I think it makes it a little easier to bear if there's someone or something to blame for the eating disorder, rather than thinking it would've happened no matter what. It's kinda hard to explain but I've been there myself so I know. :')

Blank Angel: yeah, she's doing much better nowadays ~~ and I think I'll try to start developing the relationship between Aomine and Kise from now on; Aomine getting jealous over Kuroko kissing Kise would be nice, ne?

Holy moly look at the length of this note O_O okay I'll shut up for now, thanks for the support and I hope you'll keep reading even though I have literally no idea how I'll ever be able to get a happy ending... sometimes I wish I could write fluff /gross sobbing


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